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TOMORROW’S HEADLINES YESTERDAY FOR GENERATION TODAY!

NEWSFLASH!

Channel Ten to debut new reality based panel game show.  “Fingered” stars some of Australia’s greatest personalities and comedians in a show that is being dubbed “part news stories, part comedic outlook, part actual shit happening but definitely all fun most of the time”.  The new show pits thirteen teams made up of three team members as they must guess which news story is actually real.  Reports from initial filming have come in that Isabel Lucas, star of Transformers 2 and whale snogging, while viewing a scene of an Iraqi bomb exploding in the desert buzzed in a little too quick.  “Is it a scene from the new Bond movie?  I love Matt Damon.”  Boy was she wrong!  If the show sounds as funny as this then sign me up for more. 

NEVER GIVE A DOG A BONO!

Bono confirmed as new Australian president.  “Yes, I am proud to call myself Austrian” Bono stated at a packed news conference while addressing a mirror.  “I think he’ll be marvellous,” Kevin Rudd gushed.  We think he may have been Prime Minister at some point but he was unwilling to clarify whether this was a truth or a sinister smear campaign.  “Lets just let sleeping fish lie,” the Ruddster said in his best attempt to sound like an Aussie battler or sending out a sly message to the heads of the Family about the final fate of Luca Brazi.

CHANNEL 9 STRIKES BACK!

This just in:  Eddie Maguire to host new game show, “I’m Still Standing”.  In this new reality based comedy game show contestants and comedians must guess the next lyric in the song while having medicine balls aimed at their heads.  “This will finally bring people together so we can be y’know, like, united and stuff,” says some actor that once appeared on “Neighbours”.  No reports on whether Eddie Everywhere will be hosting, producing or eating those who bow out early.  “I’ll do whatever I want!” screamed Eddie at a blind woman who just happened to stand near him while she patted her Seeing Eye dog.  Nice one Eddie!

ISABEL LUCAS GETS JOKE

Intellectual filibuster Isabel Lucas releases press release after gaffe on new game show.
“I would like to apologise to all my fans in Iraq about my recent comments.  They were totally without merit and to prove my sincerity I am going to ride a whale to your land and make everyone like each other again.”
Not only was the press release delivered in person but it was written with the brightest crayons and had the most beautiful glitter and stars glues to its borders.  How can you not love her!

NEW DOCTOR WHO!

After Matt Smith was attacked and brutally beaten by a grandma with a walking stick for failing to be David Tennant, a new Doctor Who had to be written into the series.  Well, aren’t we all surprised by this news?
“The new Doctor will be played by Meryl Streep.”
Hold the iphones!  Isn’t the Doctor like, y’know, a bloke?
“I will be playing him in the style of Jon Pertwee so all the fans out there don’t need to worry,” Merryl said from the set of her new movie “Ooops!” where she will play the doomed space shuttle Challenger.  With a soundtrack by Billy Paul this looks to be the feel good comedy of the summer!

THIS JUST IN!

Channel 7 have decided to unveil it’s new show “Cop That In The Footballs”, a variety show about footy starring ex footy players in drag…

My ears are still ringing from Faith No More’s concert in Melbourne last night or the birds outside really have been smoking a lot of weed because their beautiful voices are ruined.  I’d been looking forward to this concert for so long and the band did not disappoint.  Mike Patton is a genius.  His ability to segue back and forth between guttural bleeps and rolling growls to then nail the Bee Gees’ “I Started a Joke” is beyond compare.  If Satan had a bar and there was a resident lounge singer helping you to pass away your burning eternity then Patton would be that singer.

The rest of the band was as tight as ever.  I always make excuses for bands that lose their “ferocity” as they get older.  It is difficult to maintain that anger and venom as one shuffles on through the years.  You either don’t care as much or you just don’t have the energy.  FNM are still as ferocious as ever, bordering on a primal level of sheer violence.  At one point I really felt like smashing someone’s face in for no apparent reason.  Good thing I remembered that I am less than six feet, wear glasses and can’t fight or that really could have ended badly.

Highlights of the night:  Bogans booing support comedian Neil Hamburger as they completely missed the point.  He’s meant to get that reaction you idiots.  All you did was fan the fire.  Yelling out, “You’re not funny” is just another way of saying, “I’m fucking stupid because I don’t get the joke”.  These same bogans have no idea just how funny FNM are either.  They may be able to destroy your eardrums with “Surprise!  You’re Dead” but don’t for one instance think their cover of mega hit “Easy” is not done with tongue firmly placed in their butt cheeks.  It turns out these “fans” believe that irony is what you get the creasies out of your clothesys with.

And then of course these songs:  “Land of Sunshine”, “Caffeine”, “Ricochet”, “Midlife Crisis”, “Ashes to Ashes” and “Mark Bowen” all made me very happy.  But “Just a Man” would have to be everything I have ever wanted at a rock and roll concert especially as Patton flipped into the audience to crowd surf like a teenager.

Inspiring stuff.  I might try it tonight at the Late Show at the Rhino Room.

Justin Hamilton

Croydon

February 26th, 2010

TENISION BETWEEN ISRAEL AND JORDAN!  PETER ANDRE UNDERSTANDS!

The Adelaide Fringe has officially opened with a delightful cavalcade of street performers, comedians and people desperate for the validation of strangers.  They’re all bundled together and told to walk, run, skip and saunter as the Fringe Parade weaves in and out of Adelaide in such a cacophony of lights and music that Colonel Light will avert his eyes in fear of being blinded by the hubris of these fair performers.  Posters and flyers will line the street as a colourful reminder that even though it is litter it at least resembles a clown’s sneezing fit rather than the butts and ash that normally cake our daily existence.

SHELLEY VON STRUNCKEL TO PREDICT BOWEL MOVEMENT IN CALF!

I look up to see the advertising that states with grandeur and swagger that Adelaide may no longer have the Grand Prix but we do have pandas.  People, you have to let the Grand Prix go.  It has been a long time.  “We may not have Stephen Kernahan but we have Pandas” or “Take that Don Dunstan, we’ve got Pandas” may also fit this advertising gimmick.  Why worry?  Melbourne may have taken the Grand Prix but they never got Aryton Senna.  Boo yah!

PORT ROAD REVERTS TO HALF A LANE TO SLOW DOWN UNMOVING TRAFFIC!

Time to get out people and breathe in the fresh air.  There are shows to see, food to eat, good times to cuddle with and booze to lament.  The streets are alive with the sound of guttural reflux; it is no longer safe at home.  Get out people before it’s too late.  Don’t be the only kid on the block who has no shows to speak of fondly.
The Fringe is back with numbers too big to ignore.  Roar!

Adelaide!  Such fond memories. 

They sit on the periphery of my mind’s eye and come back to haunt me when I least suspect it.  As always it begins with tequila.  The Rhino Room serves the potent yellow liquid and the staff hand it over with a glint in their eye.  You slam it down and you feel a shudder run down your throat.  “One more thanks,” you request before the corners of your mouth have returned to their rightful position.  You knock back a second.  And a third.  You’re feeling confident.  You’re certain you’ve never been funnier, more insightful, more attractive.  You talk, you blubber, you hold court and then when the Rhino Room closes you stumble out into the cold clean air with only your wits and enough money for a yiros and a taxi.

The yiros is tasty, perhaps too full of taste.  You’ve asked for chilli sauce, garlic sauce, barbecue sauce and a splattering of cheese.  The man behind the counter at the Felafel House looked at you uncertainly.  His eyes probed to see if you’re sure this is what you want to do for this will be a taste sensation.  You laugh.  Doesn’t he know who you are or more importantly who you aren’t? He hands it over and you bite not bothering to unwrap the treat from the paper.

You blink and suddenly you’re in the Mall.  You have one of the brass pigs in a gentle headlock, the one that is staring into the bin.  You’re whispering into its cold ear.  You love that pig.  With all your heart.  But you don’t want the other pigs to hear, you don’t want to play favourites but when you try to kiss its snout you chip a tooth.

Ah Adelaide!  Such fond memories…

For those of you who don't know I have a job that genuinely makes me happy on a regular basis and that's movie reviews for Botica's Bunch on Mix 94.5.

Basically I am asked to see movies and then paid to give my opinion.  Whacko!  How good is that?

So I thought I might publish some of my reviews now and again for your enjoyment.  Remember these are written to be read out not necessarily read online but if you know my voice then you will get the basic gist.

And without further ado, I present to you my review for Edge of Darkness:

Watch out everybody, Mel Gibson is on the loose and that means good news and bad news.  The bad news is that Mel’s in crazy mode where he’s seeing conspiracies everywhere felling like he’s the only good man in the world but the good news this time it is a character he’s playing in the movie Edge of Darkness.

Mel Gibson stars as Thomas Craven, a man who has spent years as a detective in Boston. When his own daughter is killed near the door of his home, Craven realizes that her death is only one piece of a puzzle filled with corruption and conspiracy, and it falls to him to discover who is behind the crime.

This is the new chapter in a genre of movies where over the hill A-list actors play angry fathers avenging daughters deaths.  It’s like they can’t get the pretty leading lady anymore (you know the old saying, “What’s a bit of wrinkle when you’re drunk?”) so now they have to kill everyone who can. 

Mel brings the old mania to the movie that he’s loved for, like he’s Riggs from Lethal Weapon with a pension plan and a shorter hair cut but do we really want to see Mad Mel running around and shooting people anymore?  You can’t help but wonder if Mel has any idea that the people he’s shooting are only in a movie.

Ah Mel.  What happened to him?  I used to love Mel but I fear he went over to America and never really came back.  It’s like he’s jumped the shark and gone into Tom Cruise world where, no matter how good their acting, you can’t help but sit back and think, “You’re a bit of a tool.”

The movie is ultra violent and contains a lot of themes that turn up in Gibson’s movies:  revenge, gratuitous violence, martyrdom and eventually “Hang on, I just went to a happy place and where am I”…oh no, I’m still in the movie.

There are some genuine thrills in the movie that will make you jump out of your seat but it is all a bit 80’s Charles Bronson Death Wish.  And it has an ending in the last scene that is so cheesy you will have an aversion to dairy for weeks.

There is a conspiracy that involves a corporation.  There’s a bad guy that you know is bad straight away because he has a tan that gives him the complexion of terracotta.  You feel like you could bend him over and put a flower in his bum and he’d look like the perfect pot plant.

Ray Winstone turns up and I’m still not entirely certain I know what he’s doing.  Heck, I’m not sure he’s certain but he’s a proper tough guy.  His character bonds so quickly over a couple of unrealistic scenes you wonder if maybe they fancy each other deep down because otherwise it makes no sense.

This was just a bit of whatever.  There are plenty of action movies out there that are a lot more enjoyable with actors I can still pretend may be ace dudes in real life.  This movie made me want to stand up in the cinema and cry, “You may take my money but you’ll never have my attention” and then moon the screen. 

I’m giving Edge of Darkness two over the hill Mad Mels out of five.

Justin Hamilton

February 15th, 2010

Croydon, Adelaide

GEORGE LUCAS LOVES PRECIOUS:  “BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS EVER!”

This is my tenth Adelaide Fringe.  What was that?  Why thank you, what a kind thing to say.  I think I don’t look my age because I am short.  It means I age at a slower rate.  That and I have a painting in my attic that is really starting to smell funky.

When I first performed at the Fringe it was back in 1996.  I was in a duo called the Bunta Boys and our show “Happy As All Buggery” used video, songs and skits to such great effect that the Adelaide Advertiser gave us a resounding review and a reviewer called Brett Buttfield slagged us off.  Many years later I met Brett and he tried to befriend me.  I refused.  His last name was Buttfield.  Even I have standards.  Whooshka!

RICK AND LOUIS REUNITE FOR CASBLANCA 2:  SURFS UP BITCHES!

Much has changed since then.  Now I live in Melbourne and the only person I have to rely on is one of my 37 different personalities.  I return home to Adelaide and I have the great joy of seeing all the old faces.  This is very different to Sydney where every time I visit I find brand new faces on the same old people.  People complain here about the Crows being on the front page of the Advertiser even in the off-season but it is no different in Melbourne except there are more teams to choose from.  The Fringe brings Adelaide alive and if you want to avoid the excesses of football coverage come down and check out a show.  It just might change your life if not your mind.

ANDREW MCLEOD REVEALS SECRET TYSON EDWARDS TRYST!

Just stop drinking and come in.  The show is about to start.

Science Proves That Phil Collins Is the Face of God!

The Adelaide Fringe is just around the corner, lurking in the alley with it’s bright coloured make up and ready for action pants, waiting for that perfect moment when it leaps out to take you by surprise.  Enjoy the way the Fringe looks at the beginning as it prances about on it’s high heels flaunting it’s finely toned physique because you know after three and a half weeks it will be flabby, stinking of booze and carrying it’s broken shoes alongside it’s broken dreams. 

What many people don’t realise is that the Garden of Earthly Delights gets a head start on the Fringe and opens it’s fair gates a week early.  Come down and enjoy some of the best shows the Fringe has to offer before the Clipsal 500 crowd descend over the grounds not unlike the zombies in 28 Days Later. If you’re afraid of crowds this is a good time to check out shows without the fear of being stuck in a conversation with someone who has had an affair with Mike Rann or believes the Mall’s brass pigs actually talk to them.  This is the time for those who enjoy fine wine, fine arts and Ralph Feinnes to come down and get their Fringe on before anyone else knows.

Botched Surgery Leaves Malls Balls Still Unable to Drop!

So get down and get back up.  You’re not doing anyone good down there.  Go and see shows.  Get out of your cabin and check out the Arts.  The Internet will still be there and you can always download the episodes you miss of Gossip Girl at a later date. 

And two gold passes to Willy Wonkas for those who recognise which possum stole their chips last Fringe!

The Adelaide Fringe:  Just like a chocolate milkshake but Fringey!

J-Dawg

The Tasty Byte

11/2/2010

A few years ago I was at a dinner party in Adelaide full of married friends with kids.  I am not married and have no children that I know of or will admit to.  One of my friends has a wife who I must say is…what’s the Latin term for it?  A fucking pain in the arse?  Yep, that’s it.  She is convinced that because I am not married I am going to take her husband to a land where beer and boobs grow on trees and therefore he will never return to her.  That is complete rubbish because as all my close friends know, I don’t drink beer.

Anyway, we’re at this dinner party and my friend’s wife has a go at me for not conforming and being like them.  Why don’t I have kids?  Why aren’t I married?  When am I going to grow up?  I tried my best to answer with good humour and grace.  What I wanted to say was, “I don’t have any of those things because I don’t want to be stuck in the suburbs of mediocrity with people like you” and then slap on a “rank moll” for good effect.  This would have been unfair for two reasons.  One:  the rest of my friends do live that life and I like them so therefore didn’t want to inadvertently have a go at them.  Two:  I think “rank moll” is a funny term when used with your close mates in an “I’m not the type of bogan who would say that” kind of way and not something you should just use willy nilly like, for example, in a blog which can be read by strangers or God forbid the rank moll’s lovely husband.   Oh dear…

Anyway I kept copping it from this lady and finally she hits me with, “Isn’t it your dream to settle down and have kids?” This is the only time I have ever been in an argument and felt like I responded in a true way to who I really am.  I replied very calmly, at the dinner table, surrounded by people who were feeling very awkward, that no, that was not my dream. 

I said, “I’ll tell you my dream.”

“Have you ever seen the movie Dukes of Hazard?”  

A few had seen it but not many.

I said, “I saw this movie with fellow comedian, bon vivant and sheep wrangler Tom Gleeson in a hotel in Tasmania.  We had the TV on in the background and were chatting away when this scene appears that has Tom very excited.”

“Wait a second and watch this.  It is the funniest cameo I’ve seen in a movie.”

So we watched. 

Now about two thirds of the way through the movie there is a scene of exposition, explaining what is going to happen in the last half an hour of the movie.  How hard is it to work out? It’s Dukes of Hazard, there will be a car chase.

Anyway, the Duke boys are in gaol and Burt Reynolds; who plays Boss Hog, comes in for a conversation.  Suddenly in the background, a cool looking black dude turns up and delivers a line.  I won’t tell you what the line is, I’ll attach the scene for you to look at in a second but let me explain a little bit more.
He turns up and delivers a line and finishes the line with a noise.  “Zzzzzzz!”  It is awesome.  It is like he is using noise as an explanation mark.  I looked at Tom.  “He’s fucking hilarious.”

Tom nods. 

“Wait.  He has two more lines.”

Each line this dude uses has a noise on the end and the final one is this:  “Zah!”

I turned to Tom:  “This is the greatest actor I have ever seen!”  I was very excited.

Tom and I loved it so much we added it to our speech patterns.  Everything at the end of sentences was “Zzz!” this and “Zah!” that.  You should try it too. Just at the end of sentences give it a “Zah!”  See, it feels good doesn’t it? Best time to do it is when you’re making fun of somebody. Next time one of your friends says something dumb just look at him and say “Yo, you gotta save your breath to blow up your girlfriend when you get home.  Zah!”

Tom and I loved it so much we were at the Adelaide Fringe Festival performing with a whole gang of people.  Our friends hooked onto it and loved it so much they soon they too were “Zah!” converts.  We had so much fun with these people at the end of the festival I bought 30 copies of the DVD and I gave out the copies to all the people I’d been working with at the Rhino Room.

My friends and I have been going the “Zah!” for nearly four years now and it never seems to go out of style.  Tom and I still do it to this day.

So when I was at this party and my friend’s wife hit me with “Isn’t it my dream to have kids?” I replied very simply “No, my dream is to have my closest mates over at a party at my house.  At the end of the night when everyone is quite drunk I wheel out a massive cake, one that is big enough to house a person.  Everyone will be thinking not only is a stripper about to bounce out but when did Hammo become so tacky?  Then at that moment of complete confusion my main man from Dukes of Hazard leaps out of the cake and says, “You were expecting a big blonde busty lady but instead Hammo flew me out so I could give you the ultimate Zah!”

Not only did I win the moment by making all my friends laugh; my friend’s wife didn’t have a comeback to that.  That is what I call “Vintage Zah!”

So why am I telling you this now?  Because I just recently became friends on Facebook with the actor, Thomas “TAH!” Hyde.  He’s saying “Tah!” not “Zah!”  It doesn’t matter, I feel like we’ve “Aussied” it up.  He’s a pretty cool cat and has dealt with good grace a comedian from a far away land getting very excited about befriending him via the World Wide Web.  Crazy stuff.

So I just wanted to share that with you.  If you have never seen the scene check it out here.  Remember to keep in mind this comes at the 58-minute mark of the movie.  You’re not expecting him to turn up but he saves the movie.  These three lines have had a lasting effect on Tom and I for a long time.  And if you enjoy the scene, let Thomas know on his site that you’re giving him big props from a land “Down Under”.

And remember if you get into an argument; never be afraid to just give someone the ultimate “Zah!” 

Justin Hamilton

Fitzroy North

Tuesday 9th, 2010

NEWSFLASH! TWO AND A HALF MEN SCANDAL:  CHARLIE SHEEN IS THE HALF!

When I first performed at the Fringe it was back in 1996.  I was in a duo called the Bunta Boys and our show “Happy As All Buggery” used video, songs and skits to such great effect that the Adelaide Advertiser gave us a resounding review and a reviewer for DB called Brett Buttfield slagged us off.  Many years later I met Brett and he tried to befriend me.  I refused.  His last name was Buttfield.  Even I have standards.  Whooshka!

Back then Paul McDermott’s brand new show “Mosh” was taking Adelaide by storm and the Red Square that the Adelaide Festival unveiled turned out to be the greatest place to dance away the night.  The whole experience was unlike anything I had ever experienced and like a long lost first love no other Fringe has quite measured up. 

GEORGE LUCAS LOVES PRECIOUS:  “BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS EVER!”

“Comedians in the Mist” was the name of the show for the 1998 Adelaide Fringe.  Once again we performed down at the old Boltz Café, the epicentre for cool events and hot bar staff.  The Bunta Boys performed with two Adelaide buddies:  David Williams and Alex Collins.  A montage of skits that had everything from statements on how to treat gay people according to good natured bogans, how to get into speed reading and a cameo by the Spice Boys, this show was not a darling of the critics but generated enough laughs to make the Fringe enjoyable.  This show holds fond memories for a few reasons.  It was the final Fringe Show I would do with the Bunta Boys, I was performing with my good friend Dave and Alex Collins would die later that year. 

RICK AND LOUIS REUNITE FOR CASBLANCA 2:  SURFS UP BITCHES!

The new Millennium rolled into town and now there was a new act in town.  That act was Justin Hamilton and he was a solo act.  He’d only been a solo act for around six months but his first solo show would reveal where the future would take him.  “Screw You Misery, I’m the Karaoke Guy!” received great reviews and packed audiences.  Set in a karaoke bar in Amsterdam, stories spilled forth that talked of heartaches and sorrows all the while not being afraid of a good swear word.  And when he wandered off the stage with his imaginary sister there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.  Yep, crying at the end of a comedy show.  Marvellous.

BRAD PITT AND GEORGE CLOONEY ADMIT “WE’RE LOVING LIFE!”

“Father Can You Spare A Dime?” was the follow up stand up show to “Screw You Misery…” This was about my one and only meeting with my father…or as I like to call him my “sperm donor”.  This was a step into the autobiographical style that was hinted at in the previous show.  Once again good reviews and packed houses at the Rhino Room were a fitting send off as after this Fringe I moved to Melbourne.  2002 was the year I said, “Smell ya later Adelaide” and then whispered to those close to me “Don’t worry, I’m just over here.”  Ah cheap air travel, how you have changed my life for the better.

TOP GEAR VOTED WORST SHOW BY HEROIN ADDICTS!

In 2004 I returned to Adelaide and the Rhino Room with “Purple Cows” a surreal tale about searching for my long lost first best friend, an imaginary boy called Jeffrey.  This was about diving through my history and my childhood looking through my past to make sense of my present.  It included my biggest prop since my Bunta Boys days:  a giant fold up blackboard where I would draw the very different imaginary worlds of my friends and punters so by the end of the show we could look straight at the imaginary world and know it wasn’t far away.  Surreal, poignant and funny, this is still a favourite show of mine to this day.  Hmmm, maybe I should update and bring it back?  I’ll write that on a post it note and pin it next to the other ideas with titles like, “Slip Away”, “The Joke” and “Goodbye Ruby Tuesday 2”…

MEL GIBSON IS MORE TICS THAN MAN!

“Smash!” was the name of the new show in 2006, the final bi annual Fringe and a big bouncy show to go out on.  Returning yet again to the Rhino Room “Smash!” was a…dare I say it?  Why not, it’s my blog…a smashing success (thank you, thank you very much) and was the year that people really embraced the Rhino Room as the place to be for comedy.  When I first started running comedy at the Rhino Room back in 2001 it was a breeding ground for improvisation acts and despair but after an extensive refurbishing campaign we had re imagined it to be a shiny Mecca for everything you want a comedy venue to be.  Soon to be populated by overseas acts ranging from Ross Noble to Rich Hall alongside Australian stars such as Wil Anderson and Greg Fleet, this put the Rhino Room where it always should be and that is riding on top with the breeze in it’s hair and laughter spilling forth down Frome Street. 

MERYL STREEP TO PLAY SPACE SHUTTLE CHALLENGER IN “OOOPS!”

Another fun year at the Adelaide Fringe but this time the show goes by the imaginative name of “Justin Hamilton”.  Why was there no theme this year?  Why a generic name for a show at the Adelaide Fringe?  Well, thanks for asking.  This was the year that I was about to write my magnum opus/Magnum ice cream, a trilogy of shows entitled collectively “Three Colours Hammo”.  Three separate shows performed in successive weeks.  You could see one show and it would tell one story but if you saw all three it told one maxi story.  The biggest undertaking of my career and one that would premiere at the Melbourne Comedy Festival where it was a recipient of the prestigious Moosehead Award, this meant that the show for Adelaide would be a straight stand up show where I chopped and changed material from all three shows and changed it up each night.  This show funnily enough was a huge success and when the Advertiser gave it a three and a half star review, I was told it would have received more except it was only stand up comedy.  I learnt two things from this.  One:  If you’re really good at stand up you make it look so easy that you will never get the justifiable rewards.  Two:  if you set the bar high then you have to accept criticism when it comes your way.

Either that or I was just being a twat for remembering a review and therefore an opinion.  I decided I was being a twat and vowed to never read another review as it had distorted my judgement when everything was going swimmingly well.  Until the following year of course…

GOD APPEARS ON OPRAH SQUEALING,  “I JUST LOVE YOU!”

Chugging into Adelaide comes the “Three Colours Hammo” trilogy that had in the previous year been performed in Brisbane, Sydney and Melbourne.  Now the show that had been whispered about by tens of people was coming to town and friends and foes alike came along to see if I would slip up and really fall flat on my face.  Well no chance unbelievers!  The first show received a five star review; the second show a four and a half star review and the third a five star review.  Good times and great rock and roll!  A triumph in every sense of the word…except for two things:  that was the Fringe where it reached over 39 degrees for roughly two weeks straight.  My room at the Garden of Unearthly Delights managed to get the temperature up a little higher and with a trusty two fans circulating dead air I watched with fear that the older people in the audience may actually die.  For my part I managed to sweat so much that I was shiny for a month afterwards and had the clearest skin of my life.  I also managed to lose so much weight my trousers would constantly slip down and a couple of hours sleep a night was the best one could hope for.

The other challenge was the show next to my room.  It was called the Fly and was set in a metal container where carnie folk would make a lot of noise and pretend to be entertaining.  This show was so loud that a deaf woman who was about to cross over to death’s kingdom snapped wide-awake and screamed, “Oh my Lord, the Nazis have found us.”  As you can imagine this show (and I use the term lightly) impinged on what I was trying to achieve and only through the sheer power of concentration and bitching over tequila did I survive.  Comedy is a fragile beast.  It relies on words and an audience paying attention.  When you have something nearby that sounds like two robots fucking (And that may have been what was happening in the Fly, I have no idea, I hate carnie folk and try not to let them touch my clean skin) then you are at a disadvantage. 
What should have been a wonderful triumph only ended up being a lovely cake at the end of a long meal.  Tasty but damn it, I can’t be arsed eating anymore.

THE LOGIES REVEAL HOT GUEST:  SOME GAL WHO AUDTIONED FOR GLEE  

I took it easy in 2009.  No solo show but instead being the regular host at the Rhino Room Late Show while juggling radio jobs back East and interviewing punters and artists for the Adelaide Fringe website.  Somehow in a year that I decide to take it easy I somehow still manage to perform in 17 gigs and put on a secret show where my new Melbourne Comedy Festival play “Goodbye Ruby Tuesday” gets it’s first airing.  I promise to the sold out crowd we’ll bring it back next year.  And it still might appear but not at the Fringe because something else has taken my fancy.

JOHN TRAVOLTA TO EAT QUENTIN TARANTINO TO THE DEATH

So now we arrive in 2010 and a brand new show comes to Adelaide to make it’s debut.  “Idiot Man Child” (you can buy tickets here) is an hour of hilarious stand up comedy following what happened last year when I made a new year’s resolution to stop hating people.  Turns out that is a pretty hard promise to keep; right up there with “I will lose weight” and “I will stop stealing money from the boss”.  Come along to hang out as I celebrate ten Adelaide Fringes spread out from 1996 to now!  There will be more announcements to come, we have a very special show in mind but I’ll leave that until a few weeks from now.  I know.  I really am teasing.  I really have learned a lot from watching Lost.

I love returning home to Adelaide and I have the great joy of seeing all the old faces.  This is very different to Sydney where every time I visit I find brand new faces on the same old people. The Fringe brings Adelaide alive and if you want to avoid the excesses of football coverage come down and check out a show.  It just might change your life if not your mind.

JOHN HOWARD FOUND WEEPING IN PARK AND MAKES MONEY AS A BUSKER!

Just stop drinking and come in.  The show is about to start.

Justin Hamilton

Fitzroy North

February 8th, 2010

It is only ten days away before my brand new spanking stand up comedy show “Idiot Man Child” makes it’s premiere in Adelaide and I am fired up!  Break out the big pants Radelaide, it is time to party!  This is my first solo show in Adelaide since I performed the “Three Colours Hammo” trilogy in 2008 and even though I have been back to Adelaide a couple of times to gig at the various clubs around town, performing a solo show really is what it is all about.

The thrust behind the new show is this:  I was talking to a couple of friends last year who made a New Year’s resolution to not waste time and energy hating people anymore.  Since I believe in both time and energy I thought this was a good idea to buy into.  Then the challenges came thick and fast.  I ended up being verbally attacked by a friend just because he had chosen to be boring and I hadn’t.  I had to deal with a homophobic producer at a commercial radio station that I worked at.  I came across the most annoying man to ever use public transport.  The environmental snooze fest situation in Copenhagen threatened to burn me until I had nothing left to give.  And then to finish off the year I ended up at a dinner surrounded by people who did their best to break my resolution.  Did I crack?  Well, that would be telling and I think I’ll save that for the show.

Peppered throughout the show are adverts I began writing for a fake nightclub called Fingerknuckle Nightclub.  These adverts are my favourite work from my time on radio and I think you’ll enjoy just how rebellious, naughty, juvenile and fucking funny they are.  They represent everything I love about comedy and if you have young friends who want to learn how to rebel against the system, then this is the show they should see.

This new show is a departure from the last few years.  This is all about getting back to what I love and do best:  straight stand up comedy.  Oh don’t get me wrong; there are the usual tricks and hidden Easter eggs in the show that I love to hide for those who are paying careful attention.  Toby Sullivan was the only person to realise why the star of “Three Colours Hammo” was named Calliope.  The character of Nalani who appeared in the 3rd instalment did stump Toby but that was only because he wasn’t certain of the spelling.  (For those of you who saw the shows, did you guess as to why they had those names?)  This year I have already had one person; comedian and all round good guy Karl Chandler pick up on an Elvis Costello reference in my latest material.  I love it when that happens.  Those things are never placed there to the detriment of the gags; they’re strictly there for those people who like to look for them.  There are those who like Lost for the mythology and those who like Lost for when Sawyer takes off his shirt.  I’m definitely in it for the mythology and I’d like to think my own work reflects this.  And I would never make you throw up by taking off my shirt. 

Apart from the trilogy of shows Adelaide has missed out on “The Killing Joke”, that was nominated for best show at the 2008 Melbourne Comedy Festival and last year’s play “Goodbye Ruby Tuesday” starring Hannah Norris and of course me.  It is a shame they haven’t toured Adelaide but we never felt there was the right venue to house these shows.  “The Killing Joke” was an existential stand up show set in the mind of a mad man or at least a very uptight comedian.  “Goodbye Ruby Tuesday” was about a girl lost in the world who stumbles upon a friendship with someone who is bigger than life.  Both shows needed suitable theatres that would encourage laughs and keep the Clipsal 500 crowd at bay.  Unfortunately those venues don’t exist at Fringe time and the only venues that could work are so far out of the precinct you may as well put the show on in Victor Harbour.  It is a sad fact that the Fringe orbits around the Garden of Unearthly Delights and struggles to break free of it’s gravity. 

But enough of laments.  This show has the balls and the gall to know how to deal with any situation and when finished you will be left gasping for breath at the audacity you find slinking about on stage.  Heck, I may even be riding that audacity into the street until told otherwise.  It is going to be good times people!

I arrive in the old hometown on the 12th of Feb and then open that night.  8 shows only.  8.45pm.  Go here for more information. 

And let the love fest begin Adelaide.  Come along and embrace me like an old lover.  I don’t mean an old lover in the sense I’m too old to climb into bed to get jiggy with you.  I mean an old lover from your past who is still in his prime and knows all the right things to whisper in your ear.  The show is big and bombastic full of creative swearing and a few poignant moments.  For those of you who like swearing it is nut crunching funny and for those of you who are a bit clever clever it is also completely subversive in a "hush, don't tell the others" kind of way.  This is the show that could bring nations together if they just weren’t so uptight.

Idiot Man Child:  more a statements of urban warfare than a comedy show.

I look forward to seeing you all in Radelaide.

Justin Hamilton

Fitzroy North

February 4th, 2010