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Adelaide!  Such fond memories. 

They sit on the periphery of my mind’s eye and come back to haunt me when I least suspect it.  As always it begins with tequila.  The Rhino Room serves the potent yellow liquid and the staff hand it over with a glint in their eye.  You slam it down and you feel a shudder run down your throat.  “One more thanks,” you request before the corners of your mouth have returned to their rightful position.  You knock back a second.  And a third.  You’re feeling confident.  You’re certain you’ve never been funnier, more insightful, more attractive.  You talk, you blubber, you hold court and then when the Rhino Room closes you stumble out into the cold clean air with only your wits and enough money for a yiros and a taxi.

The yiros is tasty, perhaps too full of taste.  You’ve asked for chilli sauce, garlic sauce, barbecue sauce and a splattering of cheese.  The man behind the counter at the Felafel House looked at you uncertainly.  His eyes probed to see if you’re sure this is what you want to do for this will be a taste sensation.  You laugh.  Doesn’t he know who you are or more importantly who you aren’t? He hands it over and you bite not bothering to unwrap the treat from the paper.

You blink and suddenly you’re in the Mall.  You have one of the brass pigs in a gentle headlock, the one that is staring into the bin.  You’re whispering into its cold ear.  You love that pig.  With all your heart.  But you don’t want the other pigs to hear, you don’t want to play favourites but when you try to kiss its snout you chip a tooth.

Ah Adelaide!  Such fond memories…

For those of you who don't know I have a job that genuinely makes me happy on a regular basis and that's movie reviews for Botica's Bunch on Mix 94.5.

Basically I am asked to see movies and then paid to give my opinion.  Whacko!  How good is that?

So I thought I might publish some of my reviews now and again for your enjoyment.  Remember these are written to be read out not necessarily read online but if you know my voice then you will get the basic gist.

And without further ado, I present to you my review for Edge of Darkness:

Watch out everybody, Mel Gibson is on the loose and that means good news and bad news.  The bad news is that Mel’s in crazy mode where he’s seeing conspiracies everywhere felling like he’s the only good man in the world but the good news this time it is a character he’s playing in the movie Edge of Darkness.

Mel Gibson stars as Thomas Craven, a man who has spent years as a detective in Boston. When his own daughter is killed near the door of his home, Craven realizes that her death is only one piece of a puzzle filled with corruption and conspiracy, and it falls to him to discover who is behind the crime.

This is the new chapter in a genre of movies where over the hill A-list actors play angry fathers avenging daughters deaths.  It’s like they can’t get the pretty leading lady anymore (you know the old saying, “What’s a bit of wrinkle when you’re drunk?”) so now they have to kill everyone who can. 

Mel brings the old mania to the movie that he’s loved for, like he’s Riggs from Lethal Weapon with a pension plan and a shorter hair cut but do we really want to see Mad Mel running around and shooting people anymore?  You can’t help but wonder if Mel has any idea that the people he’s shooting are only in a movie.

Ah Mel.  What happened to him?  I used to love Mel but I fear he went over to America and never really came back.  It’s like he’s jumped the shark and gone into Tom Cruise world where, no matter how good their acting, you can’t help but sit back and think, “You’re a bit of a tool.”

The movie is ultra violent and contains a lot of themes that turn up in Gibson’s movies:  revenge, gratuitous violence, martyrdom and eventually “Hang on, I just went to a happy place and where am I”…oh no, I’m still in the movie.

There are some genuine thrills in the movie that will make you jump out of your seat but it is all a bit 80’s Charles Bronson Death Wish.  And it has an ending in the last scene that is so cheesy you will have an aversion to dairy for weeks.

There is a conspiracy that involves a corporation.  There’s a bad guy that you know is bad straight away because he has a tan that gives him the complexion of terracotta.  You feel like you could bend him over and put a flower in his bum and he’d look like the perfect pot plant.

Ray Winstone turns up and I’m still not entirely certain I know what he’s doing.  Heck, I’m not sure he’s certain but he’s a proper tough guy.  His character bonds so quickly over a couple of unrealistic scenes you wonder if maybe they fancy each other deep down because otherwise it makes no sense.

This was just a bit of whatever.  There are plenty of action movies out there that are a lot more enjoyable with actors I can still pretend may be ace dudes in real life.  This movie made me want to stand up in the cinema and cry, “You may take my money but you’ll never have my attention” and then moon the screen. 

I’m giving Edge of Darkness two over the hill Mad Mels out of five.

Justin Hamilton

February 15th, 2010

Croydon, Adelaide

 

GEORGE LUCAS LOVES PRECIOUS:  “BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS EVER!”

This is my tenth Adelaide Fringe.  What was that?  Why thank you, what a kind thing to say.  I think I don’t look my age because I am short.  It means I age at a slower rate.  That and I have a painting in my attic that is really starting to smell funky.

When I first performed at the Fringe it was back in 1996.  I was in a duo called the Bunta Boys and our show “Happy As All Buggery” used video, songs and skits to such great effect that the Adelaide Advertiser gave us a resounding review and a reviewer called Brett Buttfield slagged us off.  Many years later I met Brett and he tried to befriend me.  I refused.  His last name was Buttfield.  Even I have standards.  Whooshka!

RICK AND LOUIS REUNITE FOR CASBLANCA 2:  SURFS UP BITCHES!

Much has changed since then.  Now I live in Melbourne and the only person I have to rely on is one of my 37 different personalities.  I return home to Adelaide and I have the great joy of seeing all the old faces.  This is very different to Sydney where every time I visit I find brand new faces on the same old people.  People complain here about the Crows being on the front page of the Advertiser even in the off-season but it is no different in Melbourne except there are more teams to choose from.  The Fringe brings Adelaide alive and if you want to avoid the excesses of football coverage come down and check out a show.  It just might change your life if not your mind.

ANDREW MCLEOD REVEALS SECRET TYSON EDWARDS TRYST!

Just stop drinking and come in.  The show is about to start.

Science Proves That Phil Collins Is the Face of God!

The Adelaide Fringe is just around the corner, lurking in the alley with it’s bright coloured make up and ready for action pants, waiting for that perfect moment when it leaps out to take you by surprise.  Enjoy the way the Fringe looks at the beginning as it prances about on it’s high heels flaunting it’s finely toned physique because you know after three and a half weeks it will be flabby, stinking of booze and carrying it’s broken shoes alongside it’s broken dreams. 

What many people don’t realise is that the Garden of Earthly Delights gets a head start on the Fringe and opens it’s fair gates a week early.  Come down and enjoy some of the best shows the Fringe has to offer before the Clipsal 500 crowd descend over the grounds not unlike the zombies in 28 Days Later. If you’re afraid of crowds this is a good time to check out shows without the fear of being stuck in a conversation with someone who has had an affair with Mike Rann or believes the Mall’s brass pigs actually talk to them.  This is the time for those who enjoy fine wine, fine arts and Ralph Feinnes to come down and get their Fringe on before anyone else knows.

Botched Surgery Leaves Malls Balls Still Unable to Drop!

So get down and get back up.  You’re not doing anyone good down there.  Go and see shows.  Get out of your cabin and check out the Arts.  The Internet will still be there and you can always download the episodes you miss of Gossip Girl at a later date. 

And two gold passes to Willy Wonkas for those who recognise which possum stole their chips last Fringe!

The Adelaide Fringe:  Just like a chocolate milkshake but Fringey!

J-Dawg

The Tasty Byte

11/2/2010

A few years ago I was at a dinner party in Adelaide full of married friends with kids.  I am not married and have no children that I know of or will admit to.  One of my friends has a wife who I must say is…what’s the Latin term for it?  A fucking pain in the arse?  Yep, that’s it.  She is convinced that because I am not married I am going to take her husband to a land where beer and boobs grow on trees and therefore he will never return to her.  That is complete rubbish because as all my close friends know, I don’t drink beer.

Anyway, we’re at this dinner party and my friend’s wife has a go at me for not conforming and being like them.  Why don’t I have kids?  Why aren’t I married?  When am I going to grow up?  I tried my best to answer with good humour and grace.  What I wanted to say was, “I don’t have any of those things because I don’t want to be stuck in the suburbs of mediocrity with people like you” and then slap on a “rank moll” for good effect.  This would have been unfair for two reasons.  One:  the rest of my friends do live that life and I like them so therefore didn’t want to inadvertently have a go at them.  Two:  I think “rank moll” is a funny term when used with your close mates in an “I’m not the type of bogan who would say that” kind of way and not something you should just use willy nilly like, for example, in a blog which can be read by strangers or God forbid the rank moll’s lovely husband.   Oh dear…

Anyway I kept copping it from this lady and finally she hits me with, “Isn’t it your dream to settle down and have kids?” This is the only time I have ever been in an argument and felt like I responded in a true way to who I really am.  I replied very calmly, at the dinner table, surrounded by people who were feeling very awkward, that no, that was not my dream. 

I said, “I’ll tell you my dream.”

“Have you ever seen the movie Dukes of Hazard?”  

A few had seen it but not many.

I said, “I saw this movie with fellow comedian, bon vivant and sheep wrangler Tom Gleeson in a hotel in Tasmania.  We had the TV on in the background and were chatting away when this scene appears that has Tom very excited.”

“Wait a second and watch this.  It is the funniest cameo I’ve seen in a movie.”

So we watched. 

Now about two thirds of the way through the movie there is a scene of exposition, explaining what is going to happen in the last half an hour of the movie.  How hard is it to work out? It’s Dukes of Hazard, there will be a car chase.

Anyway, the Duke boys are in gaol and Burt Reynolds; who plays Boss Hog, comes in for a conversation.  Suddenly in the background, a cool looking black dude turns up and delivers a line.  I won’t tell you what the line is, I’ll attach the scene for you to look at in a second but let me explain a little bit more.
He turns up and delivers a line and finishes the line with a noise.  “Zzzzzzz!”  It is awesome.  It is like he is using noise as an explanation mark.  I looked at Tom.  “He’s fucking hilarious.”

Tom nods. 

“Wait.  He has two more lines.”

Each line this dude uses has a noise on the end and the final one is this:  “Zah!”

I turned to Tom:  “This is the greatest actor I have ever seen!”  I was very excited.

Tom and I loved it so much we added it to our speech patterns.  Everything at the end of sentences was “Zzz!” this and “Zah!” that.  You should try it too. Just at the end of sentences give it a “Zah!”  See, it feels good doesn’t it? Best time to do it is when you’re making fun of somebody. Next time one of your friends says something dumb just look at him and say “Yo, you gotta save your breath to blow up your girlfriend when you get home.  Zah!”

Tom and I loved it so much we were at the Adelaide Fringe Festival performing with a whole gang of people.  Our friends hooked onto it and loved it so much they soon they too were “Zah!” converts.  We had so much fun with these people at the end of the festival I bought 30 copies of the DVD and I gave out the copies to all the people I’d been working with at the Rhino Room.

My friends and I have been going the “Zah!” for nearly four years now and it never seems to go out of style.  Tom and I still do it to this day.

So when I was at this party and my friend’s wife hit me with “Isn’t it my dream to have kids?” I replied very simply “No, my dream is to have my closest mates over at a party at my house.  At the end of the night when everyone is quite drunk I wheel out a massive cake, one that is big enough to house a person.  Everyone will be thinking not only is a stripper about to bounce out but when did Hammo become so tacky?  Then at that moment of complete confusion my main man from Dukes of Hazard leaps out of the cake and says, “You were expecting a big blonde busty lady but instead Hammo flew me out so I could give you the ultimate Zah!”

Not only did I win the moment by making all my friends laugh; my friend’s wife didn’t have a comeback to that.  That is what I call “Vintage Zah!”

So why am I telling you this now?  Because I just recently became friends on Facebook with the actor, Thomas “TAH!” Hyde.  He’s saying “Tah!” not “Zah!”  It doesn’t matter, I feel like we’ve “Aussied” it up.  He’s a pretty cool cat and has dealt with good grace a comedian from a far away land getting very excited about befriending him via the World Wide Web.  Crazy stuff.

So I just wanted to share that with you.  If you have never seen the scene check it out here.  Remember to keep in mind this comes at the 58-minute mark of the movie.  You’re not expecting him to turn up but he saves the movie.  These three lines have had a lasting effect on Tom and I for a long time.  And if you enjoy the scene, let Thomas know on his site that you’re giving him big props from a land “Down Under”.

And remember if you get into an argument; never be afraid to just give someone the ultimate “Zah!” 

Justin Hamilton

Fitzroy North

Tuesday 9th, 2010

NEWSFLASH! TWO AND A HALF MEN SCANDAL:  CHARLIE SHEEN IS THE HALF!

When I first performed at the Fringe it was back in 1996.  I was in a duo called the Bunta Boys and our show “Happy As All Buggery” used video, songs and skits to such great effect that the Adelaide Advertiser gave us a resounding review and a reviewer for DB called Brett Buttfield slagged us off.  Many years later I met Brett and he tried to befriend me.  I refused.  His last name was Buttfield.  Even I have standards.  Whooshka!

Back then Paul McDermott’s brand new show “Mosh” was taking Adelaide by storm and the Red Square that the Adelaide Festival unveiled turned out to be the greatest place to dance away the night.  The whole experience was unlike anything I had ever experienced and like a long lost first love no other Fringe has quite measured up. 

GEORGE LUCAS LOVES PRECIOUS:  “BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS EVER!”

“Comedians in the Mist” was the name of the show for the 1998 Adelaide Fringe.  Once again we performed down at the old Boltz Café, the epicentre for cool events and hot bar staff.  The Bunta Boys performed with two Adelaide buddies:  David Williams and Alex Collins.  A montage of skits that had everything from statements on how to treat gay people according to good natured bogans, how to get into speed reading and a cameo by the Spice Boys, this show was not a darling of the critics but generated enough laughs to make the Fringe enjoyable.  This show holds fond memories for a few reasons.  It was the final Fringe Show I would do with the Bunta Boys, I was performing with my good friend Dave and Alex Collins would die later that year. 

RICK AND LOUIS REUNITE FOR CASBLANCA 2:  SURFS UP BITCHES!

The new Millennium rolled into town and now there was a new act in town.  That act was Justin Hamilton and he was a solo act.  He’d only been a solo act for around six months but his first solo show would reveal where the future would take him.  “Screw You Misery, I’m the Karaoke Guy!” received great reviews and packed audiences.  Set in a karaoke bar in Amsterdam, stories spilled forth that talked of heartaches and sorrows all the while not being afraid of a good swear word.  And when he wandered off the stage with his imaginary sister there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.  Yep, crying at the end of a comedy show.  Marvellous.

BRAD PITT AND GEORGE CLOONEY ADMIT “WE’RE LOVING LIFE!”

“Father Can You Spare A Dime?” was the follow up stand up show to “Screw You Misery…” This was about my one and only meeting with my father…or as I like to call him my “sperm donor”.  This was a step into the autobiographical style that was hinted at in the previous show.  Once again good reviews and packed houses at the Rhino Room were a fitting send off as after this Fringe I moved to Melbourne.  2002 was the year I said, “Smell ya later Adelaide” and then whispered to those close to me “Don’t worry, I’m just over here.”  Ah cheap air travel, how you have changed my life for the better.

TOP GEAR VOTED WORST SHOW BY HEROIN ADDICTS!

In 2004 I returned to Adelaide and the Rhino Room with “Purple Cows” a surreal tale about searching for my long lost first best friend, an imaginary boy called Jeffrey.  This was about diving through my history and my childhood looking through my past to make sense of my present.  It included my biggest prop since my Bunta Boys days:  a giant fold up blackboard where I would draw the very different imaginary worlds of my friends and punters so by the end of the show we could look straight at the imaginary world and know it wasn’t far away.  Surreal, poignant and funny, this is still a favourite show of mine to this day.  Hmmm, maybe I should update and bring it back?  I’ll write that on a post it note and pin it next to the other ideas with titles like, “Slip Away”, “The Joke” and “Goodbye Ruby Tuesday 2”…

MEL GIBSON IS MORE TICS THAN MAN!

“Smash!” was the name of the new show in 2006, the final bi annual Fringe and a big bouncy show to go out on.  Returning yet again to the Rhino Room “Smash!” was a…dare I say it?  Why not, it’s my blog…a smashing success (thank you, thank you very much) and was the year that people really embraced the Rhino Room as the place to be for comedy.  When I first started running comedy at the Rhino Room back in 2001 it was a breeding ground for improvisation acts and despair but after an extensive refurbishing campaign we had re imagined it to be a shiny Mecca for everything you want a comedy venue to be.  Soon to be populated by overseas acts ranging from Ross Noble to Rich Hall alongside Australian stars such as Wil Anderson and Greg Fleet, this put the Rhino Room where it always should be and that is riding on top with the breeze in it’s hair and laughter spilling forth down Frome Street. 

MERYL STREEP TO PLAY SPACE SHUTTLE CHALLENGER IN “OOOPS!”

Another fun year at the Adelaide Fringe but this time the show goes by the imaginative name of “Justin Hamilton”.  Why was there no theme this year?  Why a generic name for a show at the Adelaide Fringe?  Well, thanks for asking.  This was the year that I was about to write my magnum opus/Magnum ice cream, a trilogy of shows entitled collectively “Three Colours Hammo”.  Three separate shows performed in successive weeks.  You could see one show and it would tell one story but if you saw all three it told one maxi story.  The biggest undertaking of my career and one that would premiere at the Melbourne Comedy Festival where it was a recipient of the prestigious Moosehead Award, this meant that the show for Adelaide would be a straight stand up show where I chopped and changed material from all three shows and changed it up each night.  This show funnily enough was a huge success and when the Advertiser gave it a three and a half star review, I was told it would have received more except it was only stand up comedy.  I learnt two things from this.  One:  If you’re really good at stand up you make it look so easy that you will never get the justifiable rewards.  Two:  if you set the bar high then you have to accept criticism when it comes your way.

Either that or I was just being a twat for remembering a review and therefore an opinion.  I decided I was being a twat and vowed to never read another review as it had distorted my judgement when everything was going swimmingly well.  Until the following year of course…

GOD APPEARS ON OPRAH SQUEALING,  “I JUST LOVE YOU!”

Chugging into Adelaide comes the “Three Colours Hammo” trilogy that had in the previous year been performed in Brisbane, Sydney and Melbourne.  Now the show that had been whispered about by tens of people was coming to town and friends and foes alike came along to see if I would slip up and really fall flat on my face.  Well no chance unbelievers!  The first show received a five star review; the second show a four and a half star review and the third a five star review.  Good times and great rock and roll!  A triumph in every sense of the word…except for two things:  that was the Fringe where it reached over 39 degrees for roughly two weeks straight.  My room at the Garden of Unearthly Delights managed to get the temperature up a little higher and with a trusty two fans circulating dead air I watched with fear that the older people in the audience may actually die.  For my part I managed to sweat so much that I was shiny for a month afterwards and had the clearest skin of my life.  I also managed to lose so much weight my trousers would constantly slip down and a couple of hours sleep a night was the best one could hope for.

The other challenge was the show next to my room.  It was called the Fly and was set in a metal container where carnie folk would make a lot of noise and pretend to be entertaining.  This show was so loud that a deaf woman who was about to cross over to death’s kingdom snapped wide-awake and screamed, “Oh my Lord, the Nazis have found us.”  As you can imagine this show (and I use the term lightly) impinged on what I was trying to achieve and only through the sheer power of concentration and bitching over tequila did I survive.  Comedy is a fragile beast.  It relies on words and an audience paying attention.  When you have something nearby that sounds like two robots fucking (And that may have been what was happening in the Fly, I have no idea, I hate carnie folk and try not to let them touch my clean skin) then you are at a disadvantage. 
What should have been a wonderful triumph only ended up being a lovely cake at the end of a long meal.  Tasty but damn it, I can’t be arsed eating anymore.

THE LOGIES REVEAL HOT GUEST:  SOME GAL WHO AUDTIONED FOR GLEE  

I took it easy in 2009.  No solo show but instead being the regular host at the Rhino Room Late Show while juggling radio jobs back East and interviewing punters and artists for the Adelaide Fringe website.  Somehow in a year that I decide to take it easy I somehow still manage to perform in 17 gigs and put on a secret show where my new Melbourne Comedy Festival play “Goodbye Ruby Tuesday” gets it’s first airing.  I promise to the sold out crowd we’ll bring it back next year.  And it still might appear but not at the Fringe because something else has taken my fancy.

JOHN TRAVOLTA TO EAT QUENTIN TARANTINO TO THE DEATH

So now we arrive in 2010 and a brand new show comes to Adelaide to make it’s debut.  “Idiot Man Child” (you can buy tickets here) is an hour of hilarious stand up comedy following what happened last year when I made a new year’s resolution to stop hating people.  Turns out that is a pretty hard promise to keep; right up there with “I will lose weight” and “I will stop stealing money from the boss”.  Come along to hang out as I celebrate ten Adelaide Fringes spread out from 1996 to now!  There will be more announcements to come, we have a very special show in mind but I’ll leave that until a few weeks from now.  I know.  I really am teasing.  I really have learned a lot from watching Lost.

I love returning home to Adelaide and I have the great joy of seeing all the old faces.  This is very different to Sydney where every time I visit I find brand new faces on the same old people. The Fringe brings Adelaide alive and if you want to avoid the excesses of football coverage come down and check out a show.  It just might change your life if not your mind.

JOHN HOWARD FOUND WEEPING IN PARK AND MAKES MONEY AS A BUSKER!

Just stop drinking and come in.  The show is about to start.

Justin Hamilton

Fitzroy North

February 8th, 2010

It is only ten days away before my brand new spanking stand up comedy show “Idiot Man Child” makes it’s premiere in Adelaide and I am fired up!  Break out the big pants Radelaide, it is time to party!  This is my first solo show in Adelaide since I performed the “Three Colours Hammo” trilogy in 2008 and even though I have been back to Adelaide a couple of times to gig at the various clubs around town, performing a solo show really is what it is all about.

The thrust behind the new show is this:  I was talking to a couple of friends last year who made a New Year’s resolution to not waste time and energy hating people anymore.  Since I believe in both time and energy I thought this was a good idea to buy into.  Then the challenges came thick and fast.  I ended up being verbally attacked by a friend just because he had chosen to be boring and I hadn’t.  I had to deal with a homophobic producer at a commercial radio station that I worked at.  I came across the most annoying man to ever use public transport.  The environmental snooze fest situation in Copenhagen threatened to burn me until I had nothing left to give.  And then to finish off the year I ended up at a dinner surrounded by people who did their best to break my resolution.  Did I crack?  Well, that would be telling and I think I’ll save that for the show.

Peppered throughout the show are adverts I began writing for a fake nightclub called Fingerknuckle Nightclub.  These adverts are my favourite work from my time on radio and I think you’ll enjoy just how rebellious, naughty, juvenile and fucking funny they are.  They represent everything I love about comedy and if you have young friends who want to learn how to rebel against the system, then this is the show they should see.

This new show is a departure from the last few years.  This is all about getting back to what I love and do best:  straight stand up comedy.  Oh don’t get me wrong; there are the usual tricks and hidden Easter eggs in the show that I love to hide for those who are paying careful attention.  Toby Sullivan was the only person to realise why the star of “Three Colours Hammo” was named Calliope.  The character of Nalani who appeared in the 3rd instalment did stump Toby but that was only because he wasn’t certain of the spelling.  (For those of you who saw the shows, did you guess as to why they had those names?)  This year I have already had one person; comedian and all round good guy Karl Chandler pick up on an Elvis Costello reference in my latest material.  I love it when that happens.  Those things are never placed there to the detriment of the gags; they’re strictly there for those people who like to look for them.  There are those who like Lost for the mythology and those who like Lost for when Sawyer takes off his shirt.  I’m definitely in it for the mythology and I’d like to think my own work reflects this.  And I would never make you throw up by taking off my shirt. 

Apart from the trilogy of shows Adelaide has missed out on “The Killing Joke”, that was nominated for best show at the 2008 Melbourne Comedy Festival and last year’s play “Goodbye Ruby Tuesday” starring Hannah Norris and of course me.  It is a shame they haven’t toured Adelaide but we never felt there was the right venue to house these shows.  “The Killing Joke” was an existential stand up show set in the mind of a mad man or at least a very uptight comedian.  “Goodbye Ruby Tuesday” was about a girl lost in the world who stumbles upon a friendship with someone who is bigger than life.  Both shows needed suitable theatres that would encourage laughs and keep the Clipsal 500 crowd at bay.  Unfortunately those venues don’t exist at Fringe time and the only venues that could work are so far out of the precinct you may as well put the show on in Victor Harbour.  It is a sad fact that the Fringe orbits around the Garden of Unearthly Delights and struggles to break free of it’s gravity. 

But enough of laments.  This show has the balls and the gall to know how to deal with any situation and when finished you will be left gasping for breath at the audacity you find slinking about on stage.  Heck, I may even be riding that audacity into the street until told otherwise.  It is going to be good times people!

I arrive in the old hometown on the 12th of Feb and then open that night.  8 shows only.  8.45pm.  Go here for more information. 

And let the love fest begin Adelaide.  Come along and embrace me like an old lover.  I don’t mean an old lover in the sense I’m too old to climb into bed to get jiggy with you.  I mean an old lover from your past who is still in his prime and knows all the right things to whisper in your ear.  The show is big and bombastic full of creative swearing and a few poignant moments.  For those of you who like swearing it is nut crunching funny and for those of you who are a bit clever clever it is also completely subversive in a "hush, don't tell the others" kind of way.  This is the show that could bring nations together if they just weren’t so uptight.

Idiot Man Child:  more a statements of urban warfare than a comedy show.

I look forward to seeing you all in Radelaide.

Justin Hamilton

Fitzroy North

February 4th, 2010

As a lot of you would know Dave Grant died on Sunday surrounded by his beautiful family and friends.  It was a peaceful passing for a friend.  Yesterday there was a memorial in St Kilda attended by hundreds of people.  It was a moving and inspiring tribute to a man that touched and influenced a lot of people.  His wonderful wife and beautiful children all spoke eloquently about their “funny man” filling the room with love and affection.  Various friends from all facets of Dave’s life paid tribute in their own unique way.  I was a very lucky participant in the ceremony and I cannot thank Dave’s wife Karen enough for the honour.  It was an amazing day and was in the end the perfect tribute to our brother.

Today I have been thinking about Dave a lot.  I am sad that he is gone but I feel nothing but love for my friend and the life he lead.  I would like to share with you my top five Dave Grant moments.

5.  The first time we changed a room together to make it work

Dave and I had performed together a few times in Melbourne but this was the first time we had a run of gigs together in Sydney.  It was early 2001 and I was still new to stand up Sydney style.  I was hosting and Dave was headlining.  The run of gigs we were performing at were all new and booked by Artie Laing of A List Entertainment.  A List was very important to my development as a comedian as they booked me for gigs very early in my career.  I think Artie and the A List gang knew exactly what they were doing teaming me with Dave.  It was a weeklong lesson of how to get it right.

I forget the suburb we were in but the gig we turned up to was on a Thursday night.  Dave and I met up early and had dinner then walked upstairs.  There were already 40 people ready for the show and more streaming in.  Dave has walked in and looked around.

“No.  No.  No, this will not do,” he muttered while shaking his head.  I have to admit, the room looked fine to me.  It had people in it, what more do you need?  Dave walks up to the manager and says he needs to change a few things.  The manager looks at Dave and realises this is a man on a mission and therefore will not take no for an answer.  I watched as Dave walked up to all the people and told them they had to step outside.  The manager and I stood next to each other dumbfounded.  What was he doing? 

Like a sheepdog on coke he rounded everyone up and outside.  Then he closed the doors and told the girl who was selling tickets no one was allowed to come in until we were ready.  For the next fifteen minutes Dave and I moved tables, chairs, pot plants and lights.  We removed coloured gels from the lighting rig and checked the microphones until we had the crisp sound Dave craved.

Then he let everyone in.  They were disgruntled to begin with but when they walked in they found themselves closer to the stage and bunched together like happy little campers.  The gig was a massive success and after Dave had ripped them apart I walked on after him to close the show.  The audience was buzzing and like someone who has just had the Matrix revealed to them, I could see how all the changes had worked and made the gig so much more than it could have been.

From that moment I was hooked and have ever since changed rooms in the Dave Grant way.  Artie Laing admitted to me yesterday that he deliberately booked Dave for rooms in their early conception because he knew how to fix them.  Artie really knew what he was doing when he booked me to work with Dave. 

4.  Shit gig in Sydney.

A couple of years later and Dave and I were booked to perform at a room in Parramatta.  As soon as we turned up we didn’t like what we saw.  The gig was full of pissed men and women who probably thought the best comedy in the world was lighting your own farts.  (Don’t get me wrong, that is pretty funny but not on this night.)  Before I was to go on the host had a drunken skinny man try to remove a g-string from a drunken fat girl’s ample waist.  This was classy stuff.

To say the gig did not go well would be a lie.  It was awful.  I used all the tricks in the book.  I used material that had worked all over the country but they were really only interested in drinking and seeing how they could ruin the future of the country by fucking each other without contraception and possibly breeding by accident.  At one point someone yelled out something incredibly offensive to an Aboriginal man who was sitting up the front and who was also trying to enjoy the show. 

I turned.  I really let them know that they were scum.  I let them know that they should all drink drive on an abandoned highway so they didn’t take any innocent bystanders out.  I told them they could go fuck themselves and they had better treat the next guy with some respect because not only was he as funny as fuck but he had the brawn to be able to take them all out in a fight.  I threw the microphone down and strode off the stage.  As I walked past Dave he had his watch in hand.

“Great work kid.  You went up there, you did your best and you took no shit.  You fired off all your rounds and you let them know just how disgraceful they’re acting.  And you came in two minutes under time.”

“Thanks Dave,” I said as I kept walking.  I didn’t even wait to get paid.  I just kept walking and left the gig.

 An hour later my phone rings.  It’s Dave Grant.

“Hey I just wanted to ring you to thank you.  You just made the gig a lot easier for me because you shocked them so much that when I walked on I let them have it.  I was booked for 20 minutes but I ended up doing half an hour of high-octane comedy.  And then at the end I told them to give you a round of applause because if it wasn’t for you taking the bullet, I couldn’t have done my job.  Thanks brother.”

I genuinely didn’t sleep until late in the morning that night I was so pumped by Dave’s phone call.  That he would even think of me was beyond words but to thank me was just outrageous.  And you know what?  He would have made that gig work without me.  But you already knew that didn’t you?

3.  Espy meltdown

The Espy in St Kilda had stopped putting on comedy shows for a while but back in 2006 they started Sunday sessions up again.  I went down to watch and hang out.  That was what you did at the Espy.  Besides, Dave Grant was hosting so I wanted to go down and watch.

The show begins and when Dave walks on stage I see the thousand mile stare.  The stage looks like shit.  Gels in the lights.  Half the stage in darkness.  Dave isn’t going to be happy.
“I feel like a ninja up here,” Dave says.  Everyone laughs but I know Dave isn’t joking.

Dave is a professional though and he keeps working and working trying to make the gig a success.  I can tell his mind is working at a hundred miles per hour and after a very funny opening he introduces the first guest for the show Gavin Baskerville. 

Gav comes out and is going well.  Then suddenly in the darkness up near the front of the stage I can see someone moving back and forth.  I can’t see what they’re doing but I just notice the shuffling back and forth.  Suddenly out of nowhere a bright light shoots up from the floor hitting Gav in the face.  The light has made him look evil and not only that, it’s too close to him.  Gav starts sweating but continues to do his act.  At one point Gav mops his face and says, “Geez, someone better put a fork in me, I’m cooked on this side”.  I’m in hysterics.  This is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

Gav finishes and Dave walks back on stage.  The light hits him in the middle of his chest.  He is still not happy.

“Okay people, we’re going to take a quick break and fix this light situation.”

Dave has thrown to a break one act in!  I can’t stop laughing.  This is classic Dave.  I walk out the back and stifle the giggles. 

“Dave, was that you in the dark setting up the light on stage while Gav was performing?”

Dave looks at me.

“I couldn’t cope Hammo.  So while Gav was on I went to my car, pulled out my emergency lights, cables and extensions and just set up.”

Up until this point I never knew that Dave drove around with all the equipment a gig needs in the boot of his car.  This destroyed me.  Dave was the only person I knew who if the Amish booked him would be able to set up a successful gig.

The show restarts.  The lights are perfect.  The gig goes without a hitch.  Dave was right again.

2.  The Rhino Room Gala

At the 2008 Adelaide Fringe Festival I was booking the Late Show at the Rhino Room.  The Rhino Room is my spiritual comedy home and I take great pride in the acts I book.  One night through some good fortune I ended up booking what was essentially a gala.  Now remember, when people turn up to the Late Show they have no idea who is going to be on.  I always like to book established acts with up and comers but this night, this night is something else.

Now remember a hundred people in this sold out show turn up without knowing who is going to appear and this is the line up:  Jimeoin, Bob Franklin, Lehmo, Arj Barker, Gordon Southern, Wil Anderson, Frank Woodley, a member of Puppetry of the Penis and Dave Grant.  All for $20.  I’m hosting and with every act that comes on stage you can tell the audience can’t believe the night they’re getting.  I can’t believe the night they’re getting and I booked it!

The only problem is that no one wants to go last.  Everyone wants to be on as early as possible.  So I turn to Dave.  I ask him if he minds going on last.

“Whatever you need to do brother,” he says.

So we get to the end of the night.  It is roughly two in the morning.  I bring on Dave to polite applause.  He is the act with the smallest profile but the audience has had a great time and they’re staying until the end.

Within seconds the crowd is roaring.  Dave is on fire.  He knows what has come before and he is taking his game to the next level.  He pulls out all the classics.  He tears into the audience with his rapid-fire wit and the crowd is screaming with laughter.  No one leaves their seats in the off chance they miss a joke.  At the end when I come back onstage there is sweat dripping down Dave’s face.  He’s given it his all.  He gives me a big bear hug while the audience screams their approval.

After the gig we’re downstairs having a drink.  A group of five come up and shake Dave’s hand.

“We just wanted to tell you that we thought you were the best tonight.”

I feel pride.  Am I allowed to feel that about the comedy veteran?  I do anyway and I smile at Dave as he has his photo taken with the group of young comedy fans.

After they walk away we don’t talk about it.  He’s too classy for that.  But he’s smiling and so am I.

1.    The Star and Garter

I had finished performing in duo called the Bunta Boys and had set out on a solo career.  I return to Melbourne for the first time as a new act.  I’m at the Star and Garter waiting to go on stage.  This big guy, with grey hair and dressed all in black comes up to me while I’m sitting by myself.

“Hey, Justin Hamilton, right?  Dave Grant.  You used to be in the Bunta Boys.  Are you going solo now brother?  Hey, have a good one.  I’m looking forward to it.”

And a friendship is born.

I miss Dave.  But I am so glad to have these stories and so many more about my friend. 

Justin Hamilton

January 29th, 2010

Fitzroy North

Written while listening to the song “Bring Me The Disco King”.  Listen to it here.

I guess most Mum’s make do with finding old photos in the garage.  While they’re out in the dust and the cobwebs searching for an old hat stand to pass on to a neighbour they come across an old book that has somehow slipped their memory.  They slowly open to the middle of the book and out drops photos that are so old they’re faded with the passing of time.  They tremble with excitement as their memory is kicked in to gear and proceed to lose the next few hours in internal revelry and reminiscing and any other word that begins with “r”.  And the only thing that can excite a Mother more than finding photos of their past is finding photos of their dear old children in simpler times.

This is all fine and dandy but when they proceed to show loved ones you have to fight the urge to be sick in your mouth.  Yes it is amusing that you once dressed in a similar manner to Paul McDermott circa the Big Gig era but really, does anyone have to see it now?  Sure you looked cute in terry towelling shorts as a three year old but do you have to supply ammunition to your friends by showing them?  I’m sure all Mums do it too.  I bet George Clooney’s Mum busts out “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” when he visits with a new girlfriend.

Now with Mum’s being computer savvy there is a whole world out there to discover and in doing so finding work you have done that has been lost in time.  Mum recently found one such work through the power of youtube and it really did make me want to crawl under my desk while watching it.    What is it?  Well, it’s an edited version of a small independent movie I made with an old buddy around ten years ago.  It is full of dear, old friends (for those of you in Adelaide you may recognise the big fella at the end as a Boltz Cafe icon) and was shot in a time when I really didn’t mind parading around with nothing on.  Oh how times have changed!  The nude years have shuffled off this mortal coil but there is proof that it existed in this comedic farce of a movie. 

Anyway, where Mum is very gracious is that she only sent it to me so I could feel awkward in the safety of my own home.  Unfortunately for me I have this side that kicks in whenever I feel remotely embarrassed.  It is the side of me that whispers seductively into my ear, “You can use this.”  Yes, you can use this!  What magical words for a comedian.  Whether it is on stage, on radio or in a blog, I can never pass up the opportunity to make myself squirm.  It is comedic gold and it doesn’t always present itself when you want it so you have to take it by the horns when the opportunity arises.

So without further adieu I give you “Too Clever By Half”.

And please, be kind.

Justin Hamilton

Fitzroy North

January 13th, 2010

David Bowie turns 63 today and so as a tribute to my all time favourite artist and entertainer I give you five of my favourite Bowie songs.  To make it a bit more interesting I’ve picked one song from each decade so if you don’t recognise some of them because your only knowledge of Bowie comes from “Labyrinth” or his video for “China Girl” then click on the links provided, it really is that easy to get a sweet ass taste of the man.

60’s:  The Wild Eyed Boy From Freecloud

Yes I know Space Oddity was released in the 60’s and while it does hold a certain special place in my heart of hearts, it does seem a little obvious to choose, doesn’t it?  Released on the lesserknown Space Oddity album, “Wild Eyed Boy…” competes with “Cygnet Committee” for grandest song on the album.  I give “Wild Eyed Boy…” the nod for two reasons.  I love the imagery of the prophetic boy who is nearly destroyed by those who love and revile him and is subsequently saved by a crashing mountain who decides it needs to save it’s little buddy.  The amount of times I really could have used a mountain as a back up in a fight is too numerous to mention so there is a bit of wish fulfilment there.  Secondly in the final “Ziggy Stardust” concert you can hear a wonderful medley that begins with “Wild Eyed Boy…” and segues into “Oh You Pretty Things” and finally “All the Young Dudes”.  Magical stuff and linked here.  It is also a song I feel pretty confident singing along too which always helps when you’re spending time too long in the shower lamenting your decision to never take up in a rock and roll band.

70’s:  Life On Mars?

The hardest decade to choose from as there is literally billions of cracking songs to choose from.  While I bypassed “Space Oddity” as being too obvious before you’re probably thinking “Life On Mars?” Is too easy now but I swear when I originally fell in love with this song no one else even seemed to know what I was talking about.  Now it is so well known it is even the title of a misguided American update of a classic English television series.  Written as a reaction to “My Way (A very funny story that Bowie recounts on VH1 Storytellers) I was moved to tears when I saw him perform this in Dublin in November of 2003.  My number one favourite song of all time, if this is not played at my funeral I will rise from the grave and punch someone in the face for getting it so wrong.  Click here for the totally awesome film clip...and here for the version I saw with all four of my human eyes.

80’s:  Teenage Wildlife

This song kicks off side two of “Scary Monsters” (That’s side two of a record for you kids who think CD’s are ancient) and is a sprawling epic that confronts the 80’s as he waves goodbye to the 70’s.  Bowie was already being consigned to the over the hill brigade as he turned 33 but just as the Messiah did in his Jesus year Bowie bounced back with an album that included “Ashes to Ashes”, “Fashion” and this glorious song.  If I ever saw him do this live I would positively do human wee with excitement.  Obscure enough to not have a huge amount of choices to choose from on youtube, it is still worth checking out here.

90’s:  The Motel

You’re probably thinking this would have been a tough decade to find anything of significance but you’re wrong, wrong, wrong I tellsya.  An under rated decade for the great Dame, I could name many a song that I not only love but would gladly spoon with when no one else was around.  “Hearts Filthy Lesson”, “Hallo Spaceboy”, “Strangers When We Meet”, “Jump They Say”, “I’m Afraid of Americans”, “Thru These Architects Eyes”, “Something in the Air”…all songs I love without question and some of his strongest songs performed on his “Reality” tour.  “The Motel” is a song that I never believed I would hear live so when he launched into it in Dublin I nearly did that aforementioned wee.  Check it out here or a slower version from the Outside tour here.  Introduced on the “Live and Well” CD as a “Love song to desperation”, “The Motel” is beautiful and haunting. The chorus of “There is no Hell like an old Hell” not only inspired a movie that I will one day get around to writing but also introduced me to the Walker Brothers “The Electrician”.  And when I wrote to the pianist who plays on the song, a Mr Mike Garson, he wrote back to me agreeing that he too thought it was one of Bowie’s best songs ever.  So in your face!

00’s:  Slip Away

Nearly every Bowie album released from 1987 onwards comes with the caveat “His best album since “Scary Monsters”…” As Iggy Pop once said:  “Blah, blah, blah.” Ironically then the album Heathen may actually have been the best Bowie album since “Scary Monsters” so this one time I’ll excuse the cliché.  A wonderful album from a man coming to terms with age, full of songs that look forwards, backwards and just over there to the side, “Slip Away” (found here) is the jewel in the crown lamenting the melancholy of lost childhood through the prism of a TV programme called “The Uncle Floyd Show”.  Once again another beautiful song that finds the great man conjuring images that make you wistfully remember your fading past.  I wonder if one day someone will write something as beautiful about Fat Cat, Humphrey and Shirl’s Neighbourhood?

So there you have it.  I could rabbit on for hours about this topic but will save you of that hideous fate by instead turning on the Bose to maximum volume and singing along in the safety of my very own glam world.

Until then:

Justin Hamilton

Fitzroy North…just down the road from Suffragette City

January 8th, 2010