Dispatches from the Fury Road: Cairns.

It all began in a nightclub back in 2005.

It was my first trip to Cairns as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival Roadshow. I was hosting a big show with Damian Callinan, US comedian Jackie Kashian, Damian Clarke, and Greg Fleet. We had three shows in four days and the reaction to night one was off the charts. We decided to go out, burn off some of the extra energy we’d taken on from the audience, and celebrate.

Since we were in Cairns we did what any unsuspecting tourist would do and visited Gilligan’s. If you’ve been to Cairns, you most probably know this infamous bar. At the age of 32, I was probably already too old to be there. This was a place where you could still buy your favourite drinks from the 90s.

Jugs of Illusions? Check.

Cocksucking Cowboys? Check.

Bacardi Breezers? Check. And when I say check, I mean after you’ve had one of each, go straight to the doctor to check your sugar levels, you might have diabetes.

We were in the best mood, having a fantastic time, when a young woman introduced herself. She was funny, gorgeous, and giving off enough energy to power Innisfail. Her name was Lindsay. She introduced us to her boyfriend who had just driven with his mate from Brisbane so they could live together. He was cool, handsome, and so laidback that if anyone became agitated around him, he could place one hand on their shoulder and they’d immediately calm the fuck down. His name was Mark.

They were such a cute couple, a lot of fun, and we all could tell they were perfect for each other. Our whole tour loved them and they became our tour friends. We sorted them out with tickets for the shows. They joined us on our day off. Heck, when we moved on to Townsville, they drove down and came to more shows, joined in more of the partying. They made a shiny time even shinier.

The shows in Cairns were something else. Sold out audiences who were locked in, loving the different styles of comedy our Roadshow team presented. Not long after I was on tour with Wil Anderson and Cairns was the first place I marked down. I knew how good the show was going to be, I knew how great Cairns is to hang out in, and I’d get to see Lindsay and Mark again.

After the show, I introduced them to Wil and our tour manager Heather Ruck. When they weren’t looking, Wil and Heather looked at me with raised eyebrows.

“I think you undersold how handsome they are,” said Wil. Heather concurred immediately. It’s true. It would be overwhelming if they weren’t just so damn cool.

I have been lucky enough to return to Cairns quite a few times in my career. In all that time I’ve stayed in touch with my friends here. They’re two people I’d be catching up with regularly if we lived in the same city. Of course, due to recent world events, I haven’t been able to perform here in the last seven years. When I was asked by my manager if I’d like to take up the MICF’s offer of this Roadshow, I immediately told her, “Yes please. I have friends I’d like to see in Cairns.” There were many other factors to take this touring opportunity, but that was the first one that escaped my lips.

The gig last night was like every gig in Cairns. Fun. Loud. Focused. I genuinely love it here. The only disappointment was that we only have the one show. I’d have liked to have stayed a little longer, wandered around down near the beach, enjoyed long lunches while staring out over the water enjoying the soft light that suggests you’re already living in a memory.

I did catch up with Lindsay and Mark last night. They had me over for dinner at their place. They have two lovely teenagers. Own a big house. Mark told me that he hadn’t even officially slept in Cairns when we first met. I think this makes me officially his first unofficial Cairns friend. They’re both kicking goals in their work places. They came to the show and afterwards, we had some quiet drinks until late into the night. Not at Gilligan’s this time though. You don’t have to hold onto every tradition.

Crazy to think we met 19-years ago. We have an anniversary coming up next year. Maybe for once I’ll return to Cairns, not for a show, but just to hang out with my friends. That would be nice. Knowing our ages now, we can party all the way to 11pm.

Before you go, check out the photo that accompanies this piece.

They’re just still so goddamn handsome. It’s so gross and confronting.

Thank you Cairns, for the good times, the great shows, and the long lasting friendships.

Justin Hamilton

Cairns

27th of April, 2024