Dispatches from the Fury Road: Tik...Tok...Boom?

I had planned on writing about a $10 cauliflower.

While shopping last week I was so happily daydreaming that I failed to notice how much I paid for this handsome vegetable. It wasn’t until I looked at the docket that I did my best impersonation of a Looney Tunes cartoon as my eyes comically bulged a couple of metres from the inside of my head. I had planned to write a whole piece about how I refused to eat the cauliflower and had instead adopted him as my very own son. Juzzy Jnr was going to be his name and after a week of adventures it was going to end with me eating him because it turned out he was too delicious not to serve covered in condiments on a plate amongst his vegetable brethren.

Ironically I haven’t eaten him yet. I just haven’t had much of an appetite.

At the time of this writing we’re less than two weeks into the Russian invasion of the Ukraine and with each passing day the doom and gloom tightens its grip on the world. When you feel impotent in the face of world events, you more often than not get angry at the most benign contrivances. My meltdown moment was when I saw someone post a photo of Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy with the caption, “I know this might be inappropriate but don’t you think he’s really hot?” In their defence they did get the first part of the sentence correct. This was followed by replies agreeing that he was indeed hot, bon mots about how he could lay siege to them (which makes no sense if you’re paying any attention to what is happening over there) and many wishing we had a sexy Prime Minister instead of Scott Morrison. Weirdly when I vote for a Prime Minister I’m looking for a person who does their job and looks out for all levels of society. I don’t care if they have a face like a busted camel’s anus. I don’t want to look at them, I just want them to do their job. I am quite clearly out of touch with the people these days because the “Hot President” post had received thousands of likes and comments. The good news for Volodymyr though is if he survives the invasion he can book in a photo shoot for “People’s 2022 Sexiest Man Alive” edition. Let’s see Paul Rudd compete with that!

This sent me into one of my semi-regular tailspins of despair. I decided the only sensible action I could take was to inoculate myself against this useless rage by repurposing my relationship with the Internet. I immediately put into action a blanket ban on replying to any messages via the socials coupled with some judicious muting of certain people and sites. I also discovered that keeping my phone in a sock drawer was a winning move especially when I genuinely forgot for a moment where I’d last left it. This reminded me of a sense of freedom I’d only experienced once before. That was a glorious day back in 1999 when I found myself lost in Amsterdam and suddenly realised I hadn’t told anyone I was even heading to this city in the first place. For about an hour I dreamed about where I could go, who I could become and the unknown life that stretched out before me. It was a genuine moment of joy totally ruined when I happened upon a familiar landmark that not only lead me right back to the hostel but also eventually home.

There’s no point banging on about social media and the issues it causes as there are plenty of pieces you can read online. From in depth analysis in the pages of The New Yorker to a Buzzfeed listicle entitled “15 Ways the Internet Makes You Sad In Your Eyes”. There has been a ray of light brewing on the socials though and that is through social media platforms, we are being constantly reminded of the people who suffer the most: the civilians that make up each and every society. It is easy to come to conclusions about a country when we only focus on their leaders. It is important to remember that the majority of Ukrainians and Russians would much prefer to go to war on the football field and have a beer together afterwards. Everyday people have been cannon fodder for the rich for centuries. Make no mistake, the decisions of the affluent have continuously shaped society for countless generations and when something comes along that might upset the apple cart, they buy the apple cart and sell us the apples at double the price.

This is where the internet has been able to take a positive step forward. On the latest episode of John Oliver Tonight, they showed an interview with a Russian woman who is in fear for what might happen to her Ukrainian boyfriend, a timely reminder of what normal people want in life: someone to love and to hold them and to bitch about their in-laws with. We’ve all seen the footage of the Ukrainian woman chastising the Russian soldier and suggesting he places sunflowers in his pocket so when he dies the flowers will bloom from his dead body. Does anyone really think that soldier wants to be on the receiving end of the toughest woman in the world? I’m betting he’d much rather be at home speculating about what the numbers really signify on Severance. In a better world where everyone is friends, that same tough woman is still chastising the soldier but it’s because he’s not eating enough and hasn’t yet settled down with a nice girl. There are evolving reports that in less than two weeks hundreds or thousands of soldiers will continue to die. You can bet your bottom dollar or your top dollar or even your middling dollar that none of these soldiers will be rich oligarchs or powerful politicians. The words hundreds and thousands should ideally only be used in debates about whether you should serve fairy bread to children. Every bullet fired into a soldier not only deletes a life but also extinguishes the potential of the future. A future that feels less certain with every passing day.

I am not keen on a World War 3 scenario, mainly because we know most trilogies fumble the ending. Since the only universal language that anyone truly understands is money, I suggest we buy our way out of this. We lament that money is the root of all evil, so let’s turn it to our advantage. Rather than restrict the money flow of oligarchs, let’s purchase their souls instead. Everyone has a price and do you really think the rich will stand by Putin if they are promised an opportunity to make some extra coin? Heck, throw in a night on the town with a Kardashian for good measure. Let the Russian soldiers know that if they lay down their arms right now, they’ll receive the new Apple iPhone with ten years of free data. Give the Russian generals free court-side tickets to any NBA game they want for a whole season. Tell the politicians if they fly the coop, we can start work on their next campaign: a free makeover to take on the Ukrainian President’s stranglehold of the Sexiest Man Alive honour.

Fuck, what do I know? I’m just a stressed out dude in an overpriced apartment writing words that will try to find a place on a crowded internet. Even as I gnash my teeth I believe there must be a way forward. There are much smarter people out there than me that I hope are working towards a peaceful solution. In the meantime I will continue to work and make tentative plans for the future. I will mould my surroundings so the important information gets in while blocking out the white noise that jumbles my brain and jangles my nerves. Heck, I might even be able to finally eat that cauliflower.

I’m sure deep down it is what Juzzy Jnr would really want.

Justin Hamilton

Surry Hills

March 2022