Dispatches from the Fury Road: The Contrary Batman Movie List
I hate “Best of…” lists.
Before you accuse me of being a list-ist I do like other types of lists. In fact, some of my best friends are lists. I like “To do…” lists, “Books I Want to Read…” lists, Schindler’s List, and Wikipedia’s “List of Lists of Lists” mainly because it sounds ridiculous and actually exists. What I hate most about lists is the rush to create them. You can’t just see a new movie and enjoy it, you have to make a list that categorically lets strangers know where you stand in the unimportant debate. Can’t we just enjoy something on its own merits? Of course not! You have to have an experience, make a decision ASAP, plant your flag and be immediately furious when someone disagrees.
I find that the majority of lists appear to be created to generate a level of controversy that draws attention. This is in fact quite easy to do. Just take a broad topic and add a patently absurd hot take. Then sit back and watch people rage out to such an extent even the Hulk would be looking in their direction telling them to “Calm down”. Here are some examples:
“Top 10 Basketball Players of All-Time” and then rank Michael Jordan 7th. SLAM DUNK!
“Top 5 Gangster Movies” and rank Goodfellas 5th and leave off the Godfather. IT’s STRICTLY BUSINESS!
“Top 20 Greatest Bands in History” and rank Steely Dan above the Beatles. SPANISH KISSING SEE IT GLISTEN’
See how easy it is to push buttons? I bet even though you knew I was joking that some of you still had a knee jerk emotional reaction to some of these lines. That’s okay. I get that. I have that reaction sometimes too. Then I follow that reaction by getting angry at myself for reading the list in the first place. A list is a no-win situation these days. If the list puts items in an order you agree with, you acknowledge that some random stranger agrees with you and then promptly forget you read the list in the first place. If you disagree with the list you spend a part of the day being furious at a random person you will never meet but now consider the dumbest person in the world.
I think the worst part about lists is that when a new album, movie, TV show or book is made available in an auteur’s oeuvre, we immediately try to rank it rather than just enjoying the work. When did entertainment stop being entertaining? When lists began to run wild like cane toads in Queensland. The only thing I find more annoying is the Marvelisation of movies where a film ends and the first thing anyone wants to talk about is what happens next. In fact, I would have enjoyed the “What If…?” cartoon series if it had been more honest and called itself “What’s Next…?”
I have weaned myself off lists over the years. From making them to reading them. It was difficult because lists were important when I was younger. The Rolling Stones list of Greatest Albums was a gateway for me to discover artists I knew little about. After I read the entry for Marvin Gaye’s “Whats Going On?” I was inspired to buy the album and listen to it very closely. Not just to the songs themselves but I listened to them in the political context of when the album was released the States and also the personal history of Gaye. That album opened up a whole new genre of music that I knew little about but have followed ever since. I’m not saying the Rolling Stone list wasn’t arbitrary but at least there was real thought put into each entry that gave context for the albums they wrote about. That was a good list!
Now I avoid most lists because it is probably going to be more about clickbait than giving context to a piece of art. The only ongoing list I really engage with anymore is Bill Simmons’ list of best NBA basketball players. I follow Bill because he’s a fan of the game and is also insane. Simmons puts way too much thought into his list but that insanity comes with a deep love of the history of the game so anytime he writes he’s putting everyone from George Mikan to George Gervin into context. He’s also prepared to let his lists evolve or admit when he was wrong about a player. Anthony Davis in the top 75 players of all time? YIKES!
Over the weekend I was discussing with comedian Ben Ellwood how much we hate the immediate application of lists to a movie and that inspired me to write The Contrary Batman Movie List. For this exercise I am no longer Justin Hamilton. Instead I am Frank McQueen, the only man in the world who is always right according to Frank and his friends. (Obviously, Frank doesn’t have any friends.) I have an opinion on everything even if I don’t know what I’m talking about. I work out seven times a day and I eat nothing but meat and one vegetable for every meal. I watched one episode of Doctor Who, the one where Capaldi’s Doctor punches through a wall of pure diamond and immediately declared that he was a pussy for taking so long. With that in mind, here’s Frank’s list of Greatest Batman Movies of All-Time and remember, if you disagree, you’re an arsehole.
Batman and Robin
What a ripper of a movie. Chris O’Donnell is fantastic, Clooney finally made a good movie after that dumbarse TV show ER or as I like to call it, “Errrr, why am I watching this shit?” and Arnie has never been funnier. This is what the world would be like if Batman were real. Dudes on ice skates charging around the city during winter. Terrifying stuff.
2. Batman Forever
Jim Morrison leaves The Doors by pretending to die while swimming in his own vomit and becomes the Caped Crusader. Great to see one of the funniest men in Hollywood as one of the villains too. Shame they also had Jim Carrey in it but Tommy Lee Jones makes up for it by being hilarious.
3. Justice League Snyder Cut
What a perfect movie. Batman looks like he hasn’t taken a crap in seven years and that makes sense because at no point does he try to hit on Wonder Woman. One flaw: the movie doesn’t go long enough.
4. Justice League
Almost as good as the Snyder Cut but one flaw: it is even shorter than the Snyder cut. Come on, put some goddamn meat on the bone or some leathery wing on the drumstick.
5. Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice
Great to see Batman lean into the Man part of his name and smack Superman around. Superman? More like “I Can’t Access My Super, Man”. I just wanted to buy a carton of cigarettes during lockdown and I couldn’t do it. I blame Dan Andrews and Mahatma Ghandi. This movie would have been number one if he’d shoved that spear through Superman’s face when he tried to bond over their mothers having the same name. If someone mentioned my mother I’d punch them into next week and then fight my mother for telling people her real name. She knows the rules!
6. Batman: The Movie
Love this Batman mainly because he’s not afraid to smack a shark around. Loses points for using the Bat-repellent rather than his own fist. Double points lost for that stupid Bat-usi dance. What is this? Saturday Night Fever? If I want to see a sex machine dance I’ll drink a six-pack, put on some hard rock like Chicago or Toto, and then jiggle in front of a mirror.
7. The Dark Knight Rises
Bane reminds me of my cousin Jimmy but only if Jimmy took less ‘roids. Too much sad Batman in this though. I’d tell him to stop being a pussy but in his defence his name is Bruce, so what are you gonna do?
8. Batman
Nup, Refuse to believe Mr Mom could be Batman. Stupid. Keaton should stick to comedies like Clean and Sober and Pacific Heights.
9. Batman Begins
Haven’t seen it because the title is stupid. It isn’t the beginning because there have been heaps of Batman movies released before this one. Should be called “Batman in the Middle” and hire Frankie Muniz to play Bats.
10. The Batman
Tried to watch this movie but I walked out after 7 minutes. All I could think was, “Why hasn’t someone turned on the lights?” Why was the director shooting in the dark? They must have spent all the budget on Batman’s eye make up. I’m not paying $30 for a movie ticket to sit in a cinema and listen to a radio play. I’ve never been angrier and I’m always angry.
11. Batman Returns
What does he return? His dry cleaning? This film would have been bottom but Catwoman almost makes me not hate cats. And I hate cats. The animals, the musical, that one that wears that hat. Who’s even heard of a rhyming cat? I reckon all cats are pussies and that is a FACT!
12. The Dark Knight
That clown make up is awful. It is so embarrassing that they didn’t know how to apply it. Why not get a professional clown for some make-up tips like Ronald McDonald or John Wayne Gacy? Those dudes know how to put on make-up. Or Kiss? Just remake that movie with Batman up against Kiss. While I’m here Kiss meets the Phantom of the Park is better than every Batman movie combined. Check this scene here. That’s how you shoot at night Matt Reeves. Sheesh! By the way, I’ve never seen this movie.
13. The Lego Batman Movie
Never seen this one either. I don’t watch kids movies because I’m a man but if you tell me there’s a scene where someone beats up an idiot for pronouncing it “Laygo”, I’d probably give it a go.
14. Batman: The Mask of the Phantasm
Haven’t bothered to watch this because I’m too busy with grown up movies like Transformers: The Last Knight and Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. That’s a Frank McQueen all-timer right there.
Alright, that’s Frank’s list of all the Batman movies in the correct order and you know what? I think I’ve come around. Lists are great! More lists please! Remember: when you experience anything in your life, immediately make a list to share with the world so everyone knows how to be correct by your standards. There might be a war raging in the Ukraine and a pandemic finding new ways to mutate, but if you can’t make an arbitrary list that makes random strangers angry, have you really lived?
Justin Hamilton (aka Frank McQueen)
Surry Hills
March 2022