Dispatches from the Fury Road: The Hammo Diet!
Losing weight can be fun with these easy steps
Coming out of lockdown my glucose and cholesterol were slowly climbing to exciting new levels. My doctor suggested that I should get on top of this or I might not have to worry about my lack of super funds. Thinking about the current state of the world I found it presumptuous my doctor thought I wanted live longer. Then I realised I might miss the next Christopher Nolan film or another opportunity for the Bowie Estate to gouge more cash out of my bank account so I figured “what the heck”. Let’s get healthy!
I lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time and boy, did everyone notice. There’s nothing better for the self-esteem than having people randomly remark, “You’re actually looking good”. The key word here is “actually” which informs you that you previously looked like shit. My next goal is to lose so much weight people ask me, “Hey, are you okay?” which will be code for, “You look so gaunt I figure you must have an incurable disease”. I can’t wait for this day! You too can achieve this goal but first you have to follow these steps.
Cut out all the food that makes you happy.
Time to say goodbye to all of the snacks you’ve consumed, lived on and spooned through the previous decades. You had a good run but everything comes to an end. It is time for a hearty “CIAO!” to all the foods that comforted you during the hard times and wish them all the best with taking down other members of society in the future.
2. Cut out most of your friends.
Friends are awful. All they want to do is catch-up, have fun, eat merrily and drink all the wine. They don’t care about your health. They want to meet you at a restaurant, over order and talk about the good times. Guess what? The good times are in the past and so are your friends. Cut them loose. Block them. Unfollow them on social media. Now you can control your diet with ease because there’s no temptation to catch up with friends who will tempt you into eating an entree or order another bottle of wine. Besides, your friends only have two reactions to you anyway: you look like shit so they feel better about themselves or you look great and they resent you. Take it from me: your friends have always been holding you back so it is time to move on.
3. Panic about the world.
This is a good one. I suggest a steady diet of engaging with world news on a regular basis. I know you’re busy but if you do just 5-minutes of doom scrolling for breakfast, lunch and dinner, you’ll be well on your way to panicking your weight off in no time. Change it up too. A bit of the war in the Ukraine to start the day. Some climate disaster stories in the afternoon. Then have a few options for the evening. How about a random “A Random Asteroid Will Destroy Us!” article? Can I interest you in a tasty Japanese mosquito report just before you go to bed? Don’t forget to engage with some old school fears too like terrorism and unexplained airplanes crashes too. If you want to really change it up, anything to do with the Hillsong Church and the fact we have one of those insane arseholes as our Prime Minister is a winner. Warning: some of these stories might make you want to stress eat. That’s why we have this next step.
4. Convince yourself healthy eating is fun.
I am now at a point in my life where I genuinely believe a carrot is more fun than a pack of chips. I have totally bought into the belief that greek yoghurt with nuts is a tastier alternative to chocolate ice cream covered in Ice Magic with some chocolate chips sprinkled on top. I now swear black and blue that a dry Ryvita is just as much fun as stuffing six double coated Tim Tams in my gob just before I go to bed. It is remarkably easy to change your mindset if you follow these rules. Don’t look in the mirror when you tell yourself these new truths because take it from me, your eyes will give you away. You’ve already lost contact with your friends so you won’t have to deal with the doubt in their eyes too. Don’t underestimate the power of isolation. When you’re isolated you can convince yourself of anything! Healthy food is fun! My friends hated me anyway! I don’t fit in with the world because I’m unique! The Shape of Water totally deserved Best Film at the Oscars. The sky is the limit when there’s no one around to contradict you.
5. Change the voice in your head.
If you find yourself accidentally enjoying a meal and have a moment of weakness where you decide you’d like a second serving, you must immediately change the internal narrative. Here are some topics you can rely on. Immediately think about someone you can’t stand and focus on their success. The anger will consume you and have you hurling your bowl of pasta against the wall. Then you’ll be doubly angry at that person as you clean the wall of your rented apartment. Spite is great fuel to use to help you lose weight. So is anger. Think about all the people you know who bang on about their principals who then contradict themselves as soon as they can make some extra coin. That’s a tasty suggestion right there. If you’re not up for being angry or spiteful, can I suggest remembering an embarrassing moment from your past you can’t do anything about now? My go-to is remembering in grade four at Croydon Primary School when I corrected Ross Murphy for using the word skit and suggested he meant the word sketch. I’m sure Ross doesn’t remember me but damn, for a guy who ended up working in comedy, that is a nice little reminder that we’ve all been an asshat at some point. All of these thoughts will make you feel a little sick and put you off an extra helping of anything.
6. Wear old clothes.
The older the clothes the better. A t-shirt that has lost shape. Jeans that have no oomph around the waist. Tracksuit pants where the elastic gave up years ago. Wear these loose fitting clothes, forget you have them on, walk past a mirror later in the day and when you catch your reflection you’ll have a nice little self-esteem boost. Forget that the clothes look baggy because they should have been discarded years ago. Instead just pull them into all sorts of shapes on your body and marvel how thin you look.
7. Exercise.
I suggest ringing someone in your family who likes to talk and just do laps of your lounge room while they tell you a harrowing story about someone you’ve never met before. If that conversation segues into them talking about hating a famous person after a story they read on the Internet, don’t stop them and embrace the bonus content! Just keep walking laps and by the end of the chat you’ll have knocked off 20,000 steps.
8. Plan what you drink.
Say goodbye to alcohol. Say goodbye to soft drink. Now you have to replace it with drinks that will help you lose weight. I suggest seven glasses of water mixed with apple cider vinegar, three long blacks, two glasses of water mixed with Metamucil and a shot of prune juice. Warning: do not do this during a pandemic when certain items are snapped up at the supermarket. Trust me. You want to be prepared for this cleansing approach to life.
And there you have it. I’ve lost some kilos and feel better for it. In fact my doctor couldn’t believe how quickly my body shape changed and suggested that whatever I was doing, I should keep it up. Don’t you worry about that, I will! All it took was for me to lose my friends, lose my sense of fun and dial my panic levels up to unprecedented highs. None of this is a promise I’ll live longer but when I finally shuffle off this mortal coil, at least my last thought will be, “I hope whoever finds my dead body notices these stunning cheekbones!”
Justin Hamilton
Surry Hills
March 2022