Dispatches from the Fury Road: Duck

At the end of 2024 I unlocked a new achievement.

For as long as I can remember, every time I type the word “fuck” my phone automatically replaced it with “duck”. The amount of times I’ve sent a message that reads “ducking Hell” is lost to history. It’s been annoying. Also, there’s no such thing as Duck Hell because even an evil duck is going to the good place, They’re a duck. Where else would they go?

Yesterday I typed my friend a message about a duck, and my phone replaced “duck” with “fuck”. For once I was actually talking about a duck, but my phone has finally learned that in most cases, fuck means fuck, and duck probably means fuck too.

Ironically I talk more about ducks than fucks these days. The only time I enjoyed fuck being changed to duck is when I would write, “Who gives a fuck?” and then discover the message had been sent as, “Who gives a duck?” I really would like to know who gives a duck. Not now. Maybe one day when I have a backyard. I would fucking love to own a duck. Maybe a family of ducks, so then I would be the answer to the question, “Who gives a duck?”

Duck to fuck is a truly great achievement to discover at this time of year. I might even call my autobiography, “Duck to Fuck”, or at least the chapter where I relive this glorious moment.

Dreams do come true.

I hope you have a ducking brilliant Christmas, and I’ll see you in 2025, my fine feathered fucks.

Justin Hamilton

Croydon

24th of December, 2024